6 Tricks for Picking the Right Safe-Word
Image credit Lisa Congdon
Very few things are sacred in the modern era, and safe-words definitely have to be on that list.
Let's get clear on terminology and define what we're talking about; safe-words are designated phrases that put a hard stop to any and all action. You should use a safe-word whenever you feel uncomfortable or scared enough that you are not sure if you want to continue. Remember, safety and clear communication are extremely important in S&M. Make sure to discuss safe-words and hard limits before starting a session.
That said, picking the right safe-word can be tricky. Here are 6 tricks to keep in mind when picking your safe-word.
6. Don't borrow safe-words.
A safe word is a source of power- your power. If the safe-word belongs to your previous partner, your current partner, or a character in a book, don't use it. Your safe-word should belong to you.
If nothing else, consider this. If you do need to use your safe word, it will probably be at a time when you are emotionally vulnerable. You don't want to be thinking about your previous partner at a time like that.
5. Avoid common terms or phrases.
This may seem like a no brainer, but I've seen it happen quite a lot. Newcomers often pick words like "baby" or phrases like "I'm serious," thinking that it will be easier to remember. But we all say weird things during sex, and you don't want to risk ruining a session over something so avoidable. Words that are hard to pronounce or recognize are also out- I recommend avoiding anything in a foreign language.
4. No names.
I knew a pair of first time kinksters who decided to use each others first names as their safe-words, the idea being that in the session they are calling each other by pet names- ie. master and slave- but when they pull out their real names it's time to stop. The obvious flaw here is that you might accidentally say their name in a moment of passion. The less obvious flaw is that your partners name becomes associated with something negative, given that we use safe-words to communicate fear, discomfort and excessive pain.
3. Get silly.
Given the possible heaviness of the subject, some find it beneficial to lighten the mood. If you have a partner who you know well and trust, a safe word like "banana" can give the dominant a double-take and a laugh. You might both end up having a giggle. The session might not make it back on track, but that's ok. You still get to have a positive bonding moment.
2. Get serious.
The flip side of the above is that it can make it difficult to deliver that safe-word from a place of power. If you and your sexual partner are just getting to know one another, a safe-word with some seriousness behind it might be a better option. It creates a firm boundary, and there's nothing ambiguous to be misconstrued (ie. "I thought you were kidding.")
1. Create a soft word.
A safe-word is firm and absolute. Everything stops, check-ins occur, and unless the source of discomfort is identified and alleviated, the session is over. However, some find it is good to have a soft-word in their tool kit as well. This word indicates that, though the partner doesn't want everything to stop, they do need it to slow down. Think of stop lights: red, yellow and green. "Yellow" is a great soft word, given the connotation.
Bonus: Have a safe song.
Having a safe-word is all well and good when your mouth is free. But what about when you're wearing a ball gag? An easily recognizable tune like Row, Row, Row Your Boat can call the dominant's attention in place of a spoken word.
Once your safe word, soft word, and safe song are all established (mine are medallion, yellow and Mary Had a Little Lamb) you'll be much better prepared to relax and enjoy your session. Now go get your freak on!
